The Story of My Father(34) 我的父親(34)

The Story of My Father(34) 我的父親(34)

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34

As for myself, I published the quit CCP declaration below on Dec. 15, 2004, about one month after the publication of “Nine Commentaries on the Chinese Communist Party.”

至於我自己,已在2004年12月15日,《九評共產黨》發表後近一個月,發表如下退黨聲明:

Quit the CCP and Become a Clear-Minded Chinese

《聲明退黨 做個明明白白的中國人》

 

When the CCP started the crackdown on Falun Gong, it announced that “no Communist Party members are allowed to practice Falun Dafa.” At that stage I chose to continue to practice Falun Gong without any hesitation. As a result, I was illegally imprisoned for more than one year. I had thought that as I had not paid any party dues and had not involved myself in any party activities for such a long time, I should have been considered as having automatically withdrawn from the party according to the CCP’s regulations. Therefore, I had always thought that I already had nothing to do with the CCP whatsoever.

中共鎮壓法輪功並且規定:「共產黨員不許修煉法輪大法」,本人因為毫不猶豫選擇繼續修煉法輪功而遭非法關押一年多,以為就此早已過了中共黨章規定的期限──長時間不過組織生活、不繳納黨費,就算自動退黨;所以,本人認為與「共產黨」應該早已「井水不犯河水」,兩不相干。

However, after reading the “Nine Commentaries on Chinese Communist Party” recently, I was struck by so many new realizations that I felt I needed to ponder how I was “trapped” into the CCP in order to really clear away the poisonous damage it left on me. At the historical moment of  “disintegrating the CCP with universal laws,” I needed to make a clear stance.

近日讀了《九評共產黨》及張杰蓮的《〈九評〉天符封中共九孔大穴》等文章,直有醍醐灌頂之感。細細想來,決定提筆寫下這份退出共產黨聲明。理清自己從入黨至今的思想歷程,既是自覺清理從一出生起即被共產邪靈強制侵蝕的思想,也是自覺順應「道解共產黨」的大道洪勢,在這一中華民族歷史上的關鍵時刻,做出清醒明智的選擇。

The earliest thing I remember in my life was when I was four years old. At that time, I had started trying to imitate the dancers after watching the revolutionary ballet “White-haired Girl,” one of the eight “model revolutionary ballets” during the Great Cultural Revolution, and my mother was very proud of my dancing talents. 

我最早能記得四歲時的事情。那時在看了芭蕾舞劇《白毛女》後,會惦著腳尖唯妙唯肖地模仿「喜兒」的舞蹈動作,母親頗為我的舞蹈「天才」自豪。

Not until more than 30 years later, after I had arrived overseas, did I learn that the story portrayed in the “White-haired Girl”, a story about how the CCP saved this white-haired girl from the “old evil society,” was a complete lie. Not only was it a lie, but it was also related to the so-called “Land Reform” campaign, in which more than 100,000 landlords were killed, with their lands taken away by the CCP. In order to glorify this “Crashing the Landlords and Sharing their Land” campaign, the CCP fabricated that story to make it look great.

三十多年後來到海外,看了這個被樹為八大樣板戲之一的《白毛女》的真相資料,才知道這個所謂的「舊社會將人變成鬼,新社會將鬼變成人」的故事,原來純屬「文藝為政治服務」的產物,完全是捏造;而且,捏造這個故事所要配合的,是「解放」初期的「打土豪,分田地」——這個可怕的運動造成近十萬「地主」喪生及所有土地被無償剝奪。

I was very much astonished when I learned the truth: to realize that the first memory in my life was actually related to the huge lie and ruthless campaign that had killed more than 100,000 people.

人一生中最初的記憶,竟就與十萬人命的慘劇,和一個至今仍未被完全揭開「人變鬼鬼變人」的彌天謊言相聯,想來豈不令人心驚!

I don’t remember exactly when I joined the Young Pioneers of China (once also called the “Little Red Guards”). According to my mother, it was when I was in the first grade of elementary school. As I did very well with my studies and was very obedient, I was among the first group who joined the “Little Red Guards.” For many years, I had been very proud of this, as I thought it meant that I was doing very well in school, and it should be regarded as an honor.

我已記不得是甚麼時候加入「中國少年先鋒隊」(又曾稱「紅小兵」)的了。據母親說,是在小學一年級。因為我學習成績好,聽話,第一批就入了隊。從小到大,我都是以此為榮的,「首批入隊」,被視為「進步」、「光榮」的象徵。

I only felt alarmed after reading the “Nine Commentaries on the Chinese Communist Party.” As a six-year-old child, who wasn’t even able to remember everything, I was already dragged into the evil CCP’s system, as the “Little Red Guards” was officially entitled the “reserve team” of the CCP.  I didn’t know how many times I had sung the Little Red Guards theme song “We are the Shining Future of Communism.” The Communist Party has established communism as its state religion, and everybody was forced into it ever since he or she was born.

這讓讀了《九評》的我再次感到心驚:作為一個尚不完全能記得事情的六歲孩童,我就已經被拉入了共產邪教的「預備隊」,一次一次,不知唱過多少次「我們是共產主義接班人」。中共邪靈將共產邪教設為國教,國人從一落地起即不可逃避的墜入其中。

The “Great Cultural Revolution” began in the year I was born, and lasted for 10 years. Therefore, throughout my childhood, what I was exposed to were all the CCP’s propaganda about how “Chairman Mao” was the great savior of Chinese people, and how “great, glorious and correct” the CCP was. Literature works, music, dance, fine arts (if those “revolutionary propaganda pictures” could be called “fine arts”), films, and so on, were all tools to propagandize that “The Great Cultural Revolution is absolutely great!”

小學時代正是「文革」後期,從學校到社會,我們所能接觸到的一切文學、音樂、舞蹈、美術(如果「革命宣傳畫」能稱之為「美術」的話)、電影,全部都是宣傳「無產階級文化大革命就是好」,以及「毛主席」如何是人民的大救星、共產黨如何「偉光正」的。

Dragged inside the Party’s cultural surroundings, I unknowingly received many things that the Party wanted to instill in me, though I was a kind-hearted and simple person by nature.

天長日久浸淫在黨文化的氛圍中,雖然本性善良純樸,但思想中早已不自覺的接受了不知多少黨所要灌輸給我的東西。

I joined the Youth League in middle school. On the surface, it seemed that this time I joined it with full awareness. However, when the entire society was tightly controlled by the CCP, when every student was made to believe that joining the Youth League was a glorious thing, and it indicated you were doing very well, could one make any better judgment?

加入「共青團」是初中的事情。雖然這時我當然已經記事了,而且好像是自己「明明白白」寫的「入團申請書」,現在想來也完全是被控制著這樣做的——整個社會、學校的「輿論導向」早已讓我認定:「入團」是上進、「表現好」的象徵和結果,是極其光榮的事情,哪個上進青年不爭取?

I was admitted to Peking University in 1984, and experienced a rare and relatively open and relaxed period when different kinds of theories and philosophies were allowed to spread. Many people did manage to rethink and reflect on the “Great Cultural Revolution.” However, under the Party’s persuasion, like many other Chinese people, I also believed that since the Party had “corrected” its own mistakes, everything would be brought back on to the right track, and tragedies like the Great Cultural Revolution would never happen again.

84年考進北大後,正遇上89之前一個思想相對開放的時期,各種思潮接觸了不少。對於「文革」的反思,也有那麼一些。但是,在黨的誘導下,我與許多人一樣相信,「撥亂反正」後,「文革」的悲劇不會再現。

I became the first CCP member in my junior year in the university. I think the following two reasons played an important role in this:  1.  I was somehow convinced by the theory that the Party could be changed for better if more good people joined it;  2.  My father was finally admitted into the Party the year before after his constant efforts for more than 20 years of trying to be accepted. 

大學三年級時,我成了全班第一個黨員。促使我入黨的有兩個因素:一、我聽信了一種說法:新鮮血液的注入可以改造這個黨,使它向好的方向發展;二、父親在苦苦追求二十年以後,在我大二時入了黨。這在當時給我很大震動。我想:父親是「過來人」,他追求了二十多年未曾放棄,一定有他的理由。入黨,也應該是我的選擇。

When I learned he joined the Party, I was greatly shocked. I thought, as someone who had experienced so much, including political discrimination and persecution, he still didn’t give up his efforts. He must have had a very good reason for doing so. Therefore, I should follow suit. 

寫到這裡,突然覺得,這是一條多麼莫名其妙的理由,當初怎麼會被它「說服」?  

Now when I look back, I suddenly realized how unfounded this reason was. How could I be convinced by such a reason back then? I actually knew very little about father’s experiences, except the fact that he was labeled as the “black pawn of reactionary capitalist-roaders,” relocated to a remote small town, and re-educated there for many years. 

對於父親的事,我從來就知之不多,只大概知道他在「文革」中被打成「走資派的黑爪牙」,被發配到一個只有三萬人口的小鎮,變相地「改造」了很多年。

My sister was born when I was four years old. As my mother, who was not allowed to live together with my father, couldn’t look after two children at the same time as she still needed to work to make a living, I was sent to live together with my father.  

我四歲多時,妹妹出生了,與父親分居兩地的母親不能同時照顧我們姊妹兩人,只能將我送到父親那裡。我跟著父親,住在搭建在荒涼的河灘上的「牛毛氈」棚子裡。直到我高中畢業離開家鄉,父親也從未跟我談過任何他在「文革」中的經歷,或他對於國是的看法。他本人是西南政法大學政治系的高材生,但直至我高二需要選擇學文還是學理時,才第一次聽到他發表任何跟政治有關的評論:不管誰當國家主席,1+1永遠等於2;而學文科,卻太受政治影響了。因此,雖然許多人主張女孩子應該學文科,在父親的強烈堅持下,我還是選了理科。

However, until I left my hometown for university, in more than one decade’s time of living together with my father, I never heard him talk about any of his experiences during the Cultural Revolution, nor did he ever make any comments about any state affairs, despite the fact that he graduated from the department of politics of Southwest Politics and Law University. 

The first political comment I ever heard him make was this, “No matter who is the chairman of the country, 1+1 will forever equal 2.” On the other hand, liberal arts are too easily affected by politics. Therefore, although many people said that girls should study liberal arts, I still chose science because of my father’s insistence. 

I learned a little of my father’s misfortune during the Cultural Revolution only recently through my mother. In 1967, he was hospitalized after developing acute hepatitis, but was still dragged out to be publicly denounced.  His hands were painted with black ink to indicate his identity as the “black pawn of reactionary capitalist-roaders.”  Large amounts of his hair were pulled out. As a result, he became bald-headed as early as in his thirties. 

直到最近,才知道一點點父親挨鬥的更多情況。67年時他患了急性黃膽型肝炎,住在醫院裡,但還是被拖出去批鬥,兩手被墨塗成黑色坐「飛機」,頭髮大把大把被揪掉,以至於三十幾歲就成了禿頂。母親既要照顧只有一歲多的我,又要照顧每天被鬥得死去活來的他,還要替他寫書面「檢討」,用毛筆寫成大字報形式,按造反派的要求四處張貼,少了一份或貼錯了地方都不行……

Meanwhile, my mother had to look after my father, who was nearly tortured to death, while I was only one-year-old. She also had to put up my father’s written “self-criticism” everywhere according to the requirement of the “rebels,” with no single spot to be ignored, or any copy being put in the wrong place.

I couldn’t imagine my father’s feelings after suffering all of this. In my memory, my father seldom talked.  However, when he wrote to me to tell me the news about having joined the Party, for the first time ever, I sensed his excitement. And this in turn influenced me deeply.  

我想像不出父親在遭受這一切時的內心感受。在我的記憶中,父親一直是沉默寡言的。在他寫信告訴我他終於被接受為一名中共黨員時,第一次流露出了興奮而激動的情緒,這也是我之所以受到影響的原因之一。

As my father’s family background category was “small land lessor,” he fell into the politically wrong class ever since he was born.  Because of his “wrong” family class, no matter how hard working and how talented he was, he had always been struggling at the bottom of society. Perhaps being admitted into the Party could help rid himself of this inferiority complex of being politically wrong? Or did it have other meanings for him? Maybe he would never discuss this with me, as talking about politics was not safe in China, even within one’s family.

父親的家庭出身是「小土地出租」,從一開始起就「政治不正確」。雖然才華出眾,但多年不得翻身,不管他多麼努力。得到黨的吸納使他終於擺脫了心理上的自卑?還是有其他甚麼意義?也許他永遠也不會與我討論這個問題。不談政治是最安全的,即便是跟親人。

Many people don’t realize that the fear and loathing they have toward politics are in fact the terror and hatred they have toward the CCP’s history of killing. Part 3 of the “Nine Commentaries on the Chinese Communist Party,” “On the Tyranny of the Chinese Communist Party,” enables one to see more clearly and comprehensively that the CCP’s politics has been about how to kill and crackdown on people.  

許多人沒有意識到,他們心靈深處對於「政治」最深切的恐懼或厭惡,其實是對於共產黨整人歷史的恐懼和厭惡,九評之三《評中國共產黨的暴政》讓人更加完整清楚的看到,共產黨的政治如何就是殺人與整人。其實在民主國家,參與總統選舉是每個公民的義務。這也是「搞政治」,有何可厭可怕之處?是共產黨將「政治」賦予了殺人和動亂的內涵,而讓許多國人反感無比。

In democratic countries, voting is a citizen’s obligation; and that is also “getting involved in politics”. What is there to fear or loathe? It is the CCP that has imposed a connotation of suppression and killing on the term “politics,” and that is why so many Chinese people hate the mere mention of “politics.”

One year after I became a formal Party member, the Tiananmen Square massacre happened. I was extremely shocked.  As many students from Peking University were very active in the movement, it was said that the Peking University would be stray bullets, and so on. The authorities of the university strongly suggested that we don’t stay on campus.  a main target for further crackdowns. Many different and horrible rumors were passed around, such as the army would occupy the campus, and no student should sleep on the upper level of a bunk bed to avoid being hit by

成為正式黨員剛一年多,就趕上六四大屠殺,心中的震驚和悲憤無以言表。北大是「重災區」,當時流言亂飛,說要軍管,學校強烈建議學生不要住在學校,尤其是睡上鋪的,會有中流彈的危險。我一時找不到住處,倉皇中,借住在朋友辦公室裡,睡在硬梆梆的辦公桌上。晚上出去方便,一陣機關槍響讓我魂飛魄散,仔細一聽才發現那只不過是一片蛙鳴。

I was very much terrified, as I couldn’t find a place to stay. In the end, I ended up sleeping on a very hard desk in the office of a friend.  During the night, I opened the office door to find my way to the restroom. Suddenly I thought I heard terribly loud bursts of machine-gun shots, and was nearly frightened to death. 

However, when I tried to find out where those gunshots came from, I realized that it was just the croaking of many frogs, as my friend’s office was located in the suburbs, and very close to a pond.

It took me several days and a lot of effort to be able to buy a train ticket so that I could escape Beijing-the city of the massacre, which was already under martial law.  When arriving at the Beijing train station with three friends, I found it was as chaotic as if it were the end of the world.  Many trains were canceled or delayed. Dark smoke was still rising from the burnt tanks and military trucks. 

幾天後好不容易才買到火車票準備逃出北京。北京火車站像世界末日來臨般亂紛紛,許多火車取消,許多班次晚點。長安街上被焚燒的坦克、軍車依然在冒黑煙。我們坐在車站附近的一個大橋底下,焦急的等待我們那班火車何時會開的消息。百無聊賴中,我們在大橋樁上畫了一個李鵬的頭像,然後從遠處向它扔石子,看誰打得準。我們認定李鵬是這場屠殺的凶手,因此打他的畫像出氣。在六四過後的整肅中,所有學生黨員被要求寫詳盡思想匯報,交代自己在六四中的思想及行為。在為求自保而「蒙混過關」的時刻,我從未對共產黨在這其中所扮演的角色做過認真思考或分析。作為女性和理科學生,我的政治頭腦向來很不發達。而且,跟許多人一樣,對於六四的慘痛,我很快就從某種意義上「忘卻」了——畢竟我們家沒有死人。

We sat underneath a bridge near the train station; anxiously waiting for information regarding the departure of our train. As we had nothing better to do, we drew a portrait of Li Peng, whom we believed had ordered the army to kill the students, and then threw small pieces of stone at the portrait to see who could hit it with more precision. 

After all the “noise” was suppressed, all the student party members were required to write up “thought reports” at great length with all the details about ones’ thoughts and deeds during the student movements. When trying very hard to keep myself out of trouble, I never seriously reflected on what kind of role the CCP had played in this tragedy.  As a female science student, I was never very much into politics. Like many other people, I “forgot” this massacre soon enough: when all is said and done, nobody in my family was killed anyway.

Many people had tried to change the Party through joining it. However, a ruthless reality smashed all their dreams.  Disappointed by the failure, many people had long since given up this kind of thought and effort. Almost everyone agrees that the CCP isn’t good, but people usually feel helpless as it still seems so “strong.”

再回到我入黨的初衷。很多人曾想過要通過自己的加入改造共產黨。現實的無情打破了所有人的夢想。灰心之餘,人們早已放棄了這種想法和努力。幾乎沒有人不承認:共產黨不是甚麼好東西,但又對它的「強大」感到無可奈何。

Only after I finished reading the “Nine Commentaries on the Chinese Communist Party” did I understand the reasons:  As stated in the “Nine Commentaries,” the CCP is a somewhat “abstract,” independent, foreign, and evil specter that attaches itself to people, who could only be controlled and manipulated by it. How could one change it by joining the party? 

讀了《九評》,才明白這是為甚麼:共產黨根本就是一個「抽象」的、獨立的、寄附的外來邪靈,任何人只能被它控制、為它所用,怎麼可能通過自己的「加入」而改造到它?這就是為甚麼在中共的十任總書記都結局悲慘的被「打倒」後,它還能繼續「繁榮昌盛」的原因;這就是為甚麼在它的邪教教義中,「黨」的利益永遠高於一切。世間任何人,包括「廣大黨員」,都只能是為它所用的工具,而不能改造到這個「黨」的半分。對它的任何幻想最終注定落空;而與所有幻想相伴的,一定是各種各樣的民族乃至更大範圍內的悲劇。

That also explains the reason why after ten general secretaries of the CCP were all “knocked down” by the Party, the Party itself still “thrives in prosperity.”  

That is also the reason why within the CCP’s doctrine, the Party’s interest is always above everything. Any human being, including all the party members, can only be its tools, without being able to change any part of it.  Any attempts to change it, or illusions that it can be changed, will surely be proved to be a failure, and what accompany all the illusions will surely be tragedies for the Chinese people, and even the world.

I am very grateful for the Epoch Times’s “Nine Commentaries on the Chinese Communist Party.” It enabled me to reflect on my initial motivation to join the CCP, helped me see through the Party for what it is, and therefore to clear away more thoroughly its poisonous elements within me. 

感謝大紀元的《九評共產黨》讓我重新反省當初的入黨動機,認清共產黨的實質並更加徹底的清理它的毒害。對於附體的外來邪靈,最好的擺脫辦法就是堅決否定它的存在,主動從思想上到形式上擺脫它的一切影響和控制。

The best way to rid oneself of a foreign evil specter is to firmly deny its existence, and to proactively break away from its control and influence in mind as well as in its organizational forms.

The Chinese nation has been occupied and possessed by the CCP evil specter for too long and is therefore critically “ill.” For an ill person, or for somebody who is controlled by a foreign specter, nobody would ask, “What will this person do without his illness or specter?” 

被共產邪靈附體多年的中華民族,已經「病」得太深了。對於一個病人,或被外來靈體控制的人,從來沒有人會問:「沒有了他的病(或附體),這個人怎麼辦?」因此,擔心「沒有了共產黨,誰來領導中國」,就跟擔心一個多年臥床不起的人,沒有了病還會不會生活了一樣,完全是杞人憂天。擺脫共產邪靈後的中國,定會像一個被「鬼迷心竅」及疾病纏身多年的病人,突然去掉了病根、擺脫了心智上的迷惑一般,迅速恢復健康,再現活力。

Therefore, it is completely unnecessary to worry about who can lead China without the CCP. A China without the CCP will surely regain its vitality, just like a sick person who was suddenly cured. 

Hence, I hereby solemnly declare my withdrawals from the CCP, the Youth League y withdrawing from the CCP can I become a really clear-minded Chinese citizen.and the Young Pioneers, and that my applications to join the CCP, the Youth League and the Young Pioneers, all the thought reports I wrote after joining the CCP, as well as all the written materials in my profile held by the CCP, are null and void.  Only b

鑒於此,本人鄭重宣布:之前所寫的一切入隊、入團、入黨申請書,入黨後所寫一切思想匯報及半年、一年黨員小結,及黨團檔案中所有書面材料全部作廢,退出共產黨,做個明明白白的中國人。

(The end)(全文完,2015年7月9日)

Read all here 閱讀全部

***

 Jennifer Zeng is the author of “Witnessing History: One Chinese Woman’s Fight for Freedom and Falun Gong.” Before she was persecuted in China for her faith, she was a researcher and consultant in the Development Research Center of the State Council, the State Cabinet. Her story is featured in the award-winning documentary “Free China; the Courage to Believe,” co-produced by New Tang Dynasty Television and World2Be Productions. Zeng has a blog and posts to Facebook.

Originally published at : https://www.theepochtimes.com/the-story-of-my-father_2258978.html

 Jennifer speaking at a public forum about  "Nine Commentaries on the Chinese Communist Party"  in Melbourne, Australia, in 2004. 曾錚2004年在澳大利亞墨爾本《九評共產黨研討會》上發言。

Jennifer speaking at a public forum about "Nine Commentaries on the Chinese Communist Party" in Melbourne, Australia, in 2004. 曾錚2004年在澳大利亞墨爾本《九評共產黨研討會》上發言。

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